that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Was the guy in the cowboy hat kinda hot or have I just not had sex in a really long time?
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
Randomize
