im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?
Besides the whole peeing blood for a week thing, it was the best sex of my life.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
He was standing in the living room wearing a Donald Trump wig and looking very disappointed
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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