The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Randomize
