someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
I vaguely remember a drunken mid sex pinky promise to not let it get weird.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
