i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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