I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
I was only out of town for 1 week. His cell records show he texted 63 ex-gfs and hookups while I was gone. And 10 condoms are missing.
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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