U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Can I color on your dick again?
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
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