You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Love these next 4 months. Wake up from a college football hangover and get to put your hand down your pants and watch NFL football all day.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
You are the ghost of drunk bitches past, present, and future.
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
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