Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
