Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
The nausea has returned and I can't handle such things to exit my body so violently
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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