I love you!
You're insane
Fuckin crazy man! Seriously though I think if you would have me I honestly seriously think about marrying u!
Alright now lets video chat so I can xshow u my dick! Hahahaha
nut hugger
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
He's currently surrounded by roughly 23 girls he fucked and never called. He may not make it out of here. Bar of doom? Or of redemption?
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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