I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
