I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
