At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
he forgot we were at my place and not his so he tried kicking me out of my own apartment by saying "so, you can go whenever you want...."
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Oh no. Did we do a blood oath again?!
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
i'm not sure you can trust me in a car with 20 dozen donuts
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
