I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face. Dick in my face.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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