i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Randomize
