Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
You woke up, laughed, proceeded to throw up on me and then passed out again.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
