We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
how I know last night was a good night: this morning I found a bottle of tapatio, a bag of chicken and a bag of popcorn in my purse.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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