My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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