At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
She told me a motorboat isn't successful unless they come out gasping for air. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED!!!
She took the fish and put it in the hot tub, then turned on the jets. She said she was training it for the Olympics.
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
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