fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
my sisters under your porch take her home
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
