True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
I think they're German
Just say lederhosen and see what happens
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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