Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
you kept talking about how hot andy milinakis is and the things you would do with him. no more tequila from him.
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?
Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.
You are an idiot.
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
Randomize
