His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
