My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
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