just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
one might say we're banned from that church
i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Randomize
