I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
She tried catching cigarette ashes on her tongue like snowflakes.
Do you remember Kelly my alter personality? She talked like a man and would sing amazing grace?
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
