Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?
Probably.
I'm in.
Dude it was awful. I woke up with more strippers in my dorm room than those duke lacrosse kids.
Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Randomize
