I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
My sex toys have been held in customs for almost a month now. They're British, what the hell?!?
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
