if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
