They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
I should probably eat a Plan B. Pill for breakfast. Happy Halloween.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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