the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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