The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I may have a concussion but the symptoms are the same as a hangover so I can't tell. Best 21st ever.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize