im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
The fact that its 10am on a gameday and I have yet to shotgun is absurd
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
All I know is she walked in crying with a bag of limes and a bottle of tequila and has been locked in her room blasting lil wayne ever since.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
Randomize
