I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Randomize