the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
it was worse than that time i tried giving evan head 4 days post nose job.
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
I know I'm all grown up when I don't have to take my pregnancy test in the store bathroom anymore.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
sad thing: we were only a shot away from an orgy. good thing: we all got laid.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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