someone threw a dead crab at me
You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I also woke up in a guys bed in a Reptar shirt yesterday morning staring at a movie theater sized poster of the not as popular Air Bud franchise movie Super Buddies.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Randomize
