Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
it's like there's an entire ecosystem in your vagina.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
