I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay
I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
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