I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
"Take a picture of me motorboating molly" was probably not my best career move
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
It was like coming out my mothers vagina again in slow motion
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
