seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Found out my grandpa had two wives and found out I'm eligible for some internships 11/10 would do acid again.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
Randomize
