I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Is Oprah even human
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
Randomize
