just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
I'm looking at some sugar baby profiles to get some insight on what we're up against.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
I made out with that lesbian chick for a blunt. NO REGRETS.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
