final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
Also I just saw on facebook your sister is taking pole dancing lessons. Just a heads up.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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