Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
so exactly what is concert sex etiquette? Before, during or after???
all of the above
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
