Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He ripped off his shirt and tried to give me CPR. That damn bong.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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