Well apparently he's into motor boating.
Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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