Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
This guy just tried to hit on me on facebook. His most recent listed education is middle school. This is my life.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
