I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
Stop trying to get me to choose vodka over a nap
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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