I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
Yeah, clearly. And then we can float around my room on Christmas themed inner tubes. And drink, I guess.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
I recommend we watch the Super Bowl together and have celebratory sex if we win. Good news is I don't have a team I dislike so were guaranteed a win.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
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