Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Don't EVER mix a flaming shot, with a Jello shot.. As good as it sounds flaming Jello is not a good idea
Randomize
