fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
Did I show you my penis last night?
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
BTW, it's bullshit to say that not doing a shot is unpatriotic. You know how I fall for that.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Honestly, I am sitting in my room watching Ciara videos and thinking I am super jealous of how she rides it.
Randomize
