does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
