She tased me when I walked in the door. Thought I was trying to steel her weed.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Remember when puke and rally meant a good time? Fuck pregnancy
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
I was left to my own devices with nothing to do but drink
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