I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize