dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
There r osticjed everywhere
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
while you laid on the ground I poured water into your mouth out of dog bowl some random guy walks by and said now that's what I like to see.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Randomize
