I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
Randomize
