my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
