youre lurking in front of me
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Randomize
